MY ANOSMATIC LIFE

2023 was one heck of a year. As we go into a new year, I’m sharing fears that I have been in the process of letting go. Over a decade ago, I took a documentary intensive course at the Center for Documentary Studies in Durham, NC. I was assigned to write down my fears about living with anosmia and share them with my classmates. I had to be vulnerable with people I just met and known for like two days. It was scary as I was nervous about the responses but I did it and felt better. Here I am sharing the very things that I’ve worried about all these years again. Most are pretty self-explanatory and listed in no specific order.

1. Dying in a fire – pretty self-explanatory.

2. Dying in a gas leak

Also self-explanatory. Unfortunately, I’ve been exposed to a gas leak before and mentioned this many times. That experience definitely heightened my fear. 

3. Eating rotten/expired food

This is where I lean on my sight and my designated noses. I try to keep up with expiration dates when I purchase food if it’s on there. Sometimes I just throw stuff away as a precaution.

4. Cooking rotten/expired food for myself, family, and/or friend

I’ve already cooked bad fish before. Luckily my Mom was able to catch the smell. So, we ended up not eating bad food. Thank goodness!

5. Catching my home or building on fire

I have encountered moments when something was burning in the oven and had no clue.  Luckily, someone was home with me at the time. I actually just almost caught a mitten on fire over the weekend after it fell on my stove, and I didn’t notice it until I turned around. Before going to bed and leaving home, I triple-check the stove where I walk away and walk right back and touch and stare at the knobs when I’m at my place and even at my parent’s home where there is a gas stove. At a previous apartment where I had a gas stove, I would get all the way to the bus stop across the street before work and would go back up to my apartment sometimes, just to make sure my stove was off because I wasn’t confident.

6. Stinking and not knowing

I have been there, and done that, and don’t really want to experience it again. From personal experience, anosmia can really cause an insecurity about how you smell even when people tell you that you smell good.

7. Not being able to smell my future babies

There is something about the smell of babies that I have not experienced since my nephew was born in 2006. When I held my infant niece almost 10 years ago, I could not smell that magical baby smell or all the good baby products rubbed on her. I haven’t experienced the smell of a baby’s burp or poop in so long. I worked at daycares during the early years when I first lost my sense of smell and was put in the baby room. My last time working at a daycare, I partly quit because I felt at risk with the inability to smell and did not want to be responsible for anything. 

8. Discovering my partner does not smell good

I have wondered if I will wake up one day smelling in the future and be like, “I can’t take your scent.” I’m very serious because my sense of smell is super sensitive and strong. There is a story that was published years ago about a woman who lost her sense of smell and fell out of love with her husband and then divorced him.  Recent research also reveals how olfactory impairment can impact relationships.

9. That no one will trust me to watch their kid(s) alone because I’m unable to detect basic smells – smoke, poop, gas, pee

I’ve probably been overthinking this but have imagined being under surveillance. No one has really asked me to watch their underage children. The only time I can remember watching someone else’s kids without someone else there was probably my nephew. Any moment I can remember watching kids, there was usually someone else. I would be delighted if someone could remind me if I did solo watch their kids.

Well, there go my fears. I am nowhere near as afraid as I used to be. These days, I take preventative and safety measures so most of these fears don’t take up “real estate” in my mind. It’s been a time of anxiety, fears, and worries while experiencing a smell disorder over the past 17 years. Life’s a journey full of obstacles, living, growing, etc. I’m still hopeful going into the new year and all about letting go and letting God. May you have a happy New Year!