MY ANOSMATIC LIFE

July is National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month. As it comes to a close, I’d like to testify as a black woman living with anosmia. Last month I read Terry McMillan’s book It’s Not All Downhill From Here, which inspired the title and partly this post. Things happen that sometimes catch you off guard but it’s up to us, as individuals, to decide how to respond to it, even if that means reaching for support. As a black woman, I’m perceived as “superwoman,” as being strong and can handle anything. In my community, mental health is stigmatized. Some are seen as weak if they seek help. It’s essential to destigmatize and understand mental health. Everyone’s experience isn’t the same, but one must know that they are not alone and it’s okay to not be okay. I have moments when I’m weak and have to lean on others to help me. I get anxious a lot. I’m anosmic. I have a condition that took time, mental, and physical work to manage it. I will not pretend that dealing with anosmia was not a battle. I’m human.

Being an acquired anosmic (loss of sense of smell) can take a toll on your mind and body when you feel you’re alone and have no clue why of all people you have to experience it. I found myself constantly stressed over something I couldn’t fully control. It’s daunting. I thought I’d have my sense of smell back by now but it’s clearly not the case. I miss out on experiences of smells, tastes, etc. After 13 years, I got used to it, accepted it, and still think it freaking sucks. I am happier than ever since I acquired anosmia. But it was a journey to get to this point. For years, I let anosmia ru(i)n my life. Here’s how I took back control of my life:

1. ACCEPTANCE

It’s easier said than done. Losing a sense takes some time to get used to. For a while, I let anosmia consume my mind. I began to overeat and didn’t take care of myself. I kept getting sick. I got tired of being sick and tired. Over time, I accepted that anosmia was a part of me but it wasn’t me. This is my reality. This is my situation. I am awesome and wonderfully made. Anosmia does not define me. Anosmia does not limit me. Not having a sense of smell does not make me any less than a person. I can still do whatever I put my mind to, regardless of whether I can smell or not. There are things in the future I have no way of knowing but I have no control over that. Acceptance allowed me to live in the now and take control of my health.

2. PHYSICAL WELLNESS

I come from a long line of family members with diabetes and high blood pressure. In the summer of 2014, I had reached the point of disrespecting my body months after having my gallbladder removed. After gaining 30 pounds, living with high blood pressure, and tired of being judged by my former nurse practitioner who was really just keeping it real and looking out for my health, I finally took matters into my own hands and did something about the way I felt. It was beyond time to make that step. I watched the Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead films and started doing 3-5 day juice cleanses. Then I became a vegetarian, practiced mindfulness, and started doing yoga every single day. My commute to yoga class was 30 therapeutic minutes there and back. My car sure felt those miles but I felt better every day. When my former Bikram yoga studio announced a 30-day Bikram yoga challenge, I threw myself right into it. If I missed a class I made it up and did two-a-days. That’s how committed I was. In January 2015, I competed in my first yoga competition. Over time, I lost those 30 pounds and felt more in control of my thoughts. How you feel affects how you treat your body and vice versa.

This was me before.

This was me afterwards.

3. MENTAL WELLNESS

Being an anosmic can be depressing and leave you so anxious. I worried so much about when and if I’d get my sense of smell back and felt absolutely sorry for myself. It wasn’t until after I graduated from college and entered the workforce that it really started bothering me. I always sounded congested, like I had a cold. It was to a point where I even forgot what my own voice used to sound like. The only way I could breathe was with my mouth wide open most of the time. My nose stayed stuffy. It was awful. Like, I would have to explain to people that I wasn’t sick. I simply had anosmia and aggressive nasal polyps. But no one knew. I won’t ever forget my interview with one of the biggest entertainment agencies in New York when before it was over the interviewer actually asked me, “Do you have a cold?” I had to explain my situation. I felt judged afterward. I didn’t end up getting that job. Although I was qualified with stellar references, like an agent who helped get me that interview, I felt my congestion prevented that job…who really knows. But it sucked. I’m thankful that most of my film jobs were through references because most times I got on set I had to explain how I did not have a cold. It was annoying and took a toll on me. I became an emotional wreck. As I became attuned to my body and mind, my mental health improved. Now, I’m journaling every day and indulge in color therapy. But there were also people in my corner who contributed to the improvement of my mental wellness.

4. SUPPORT

I am so thankful for God, my family, and my friends every day. They’ve listened to my complaints, and my fears, dried my tears, rode with me to appointments, stood by me before and after surgeries, and held my hand. Most of all they didn’t judge me when I was down and pitied myself. Their love and support have lifted me up in so many ways that I will forever be grateful for. Even with that support, I still felt alone because no one knew firsthand what it’s like being an anosmic. Over time, I realized I was nowhere near alone. There are actually millions of anosmics around the world, online support groups, and organizations like Fifth Sense that support us. I’ve even made new friends who have anosmia. Forget Drake’s song “No New Friends”(lol) and I’m still down with my Day Ones. There’s always room for more. Most of all, my God has been with me the whole step of the way and I wouldn’t have come this far without His grace, love, and mercy.

This is me now and no longer letting anosmia keep me down. I’ll say it again that it took work and labor to get where I am now and couldn’t be happier. I still ponder about my future with anosmia but much less than I used to. I’m a work in progress and hope you realize that you are too…we all are. Mental health stigma is real. I’m here to tell you it’s okay to not be okay. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Bless you and stay safe!